Trigger Warning: This is a story that comes with mentions of psychotic episodes and it has to do with my mental health, if you are not ready or interested on reading about this kind of thing, i recommend you to leave this post.
I think it’s a safe bet to say all readers have a TBR, it may contain 3 books or 375, but you always have a few books you wanna read ahead of you. At least that’s what i think. If you don’t have a TBR, i would recommend you to start having one, because it’s just, i don’t know… fun? Like, you have all these books that are waiting for you to be read, it’s amazing.
I have my TBR on goodreads, because it’s the easiest way i found to manage what i read. Obviously my written TBR and the physical one are very different since i own many books i never even added to my official TBR.
Out of all the books i own and want to read, there is the one that has been sitting on my TBR for the longest of time.
For this you have to understand that i started being an “avid” reader at the age of 16 more or less, before that i used to read Harry Potter over and over because those were the only books i owned in spanish. I started reading in another language when i received a Harlan Coben book, The innocent, but it doesn’t matter.
This story begins when i started getting some money because of my disability. Since i live in a country where you receive financial aid when you are disabled. My disabilit has to do with mental health for the most, and so, is this story.
There’s one thing i LOVE to buy and one only, BOOKS. So, when i saw some money coming my way ( i was about 18 years old) i decided the best way of spending it was in a bookstore. Yes, now i know it was a BAD IDEA, spending that much money on books, but at the time i couldn’t help myself. I just adore having new books, even if i don’t read them.
But by the age of 18 i was very big on reading, so i was all about reading trilogies, and series, so one of the trilogies i bought at the time was His Dark Materials by Phillip Pullman.
And so i started my reading throught the first book, and then the second.
I absolutely adored the story and i was incredibly engaged to it, so much i even enjoyed the movie. Yes, to that point.
And then, i can’t explain it exactly, i just had a mental breakdown when i was 18, when i was about to finish reading the trilogy, so i stopped reading at all.
At first it was okay, it was a weak moment, so i didn’t care much, but as my mind was totally losing it, believing in conspiracies and such, yes, i did have a few psychotic episodes in my life, i became convinced that if i read The Amber Spyglass i’ll die after that immediatly.
Now, you may think “okay, so this person had a psychotic episode and thought she may die if she read this book, but the mental breakdown is over, so why didn’t she read it then?”
Believe me, that’s a thing i ask myself almost every day.
I just cannot read it, to this day, i just cannot.
I doesn’t make sense in my own mind, but i have a few believes that i cannot shake from my psychotic episodes and this is one of them, another being that if i drink more than two mugs of coffee a day my family will be hurt. I don’t know if at this point it became a sort of OCD, or it’s just my psychotic brain still making tricks on my head, but i’m sure i’ll drop dead the moment i finish the book.
Why would i care though?
Well, i’m a very big fan of living. That’s the one thing i’m the most terrified about, dying, so at the moment of my psychotic episode it made sense that if i didn’t read the book, i might live forever.
I look at that thought now, and i cannot understand it, but at the same time i can’t bring myself to try and read the book, just in case, you know? What if it really happened. So yes, the book is on my TBR, but like, the plan is to read it when i’m really old…
The thing is, you never know when you might die, so i’ll never know if i’ll ever read the book, or i’ll die before hand.
It’s really weird how our heads work.
Or at least mine.
I own the book in three different versions, i own a physical copy of it in hebrew and english and i also own an ebook copy in english.
I gotta admit i started reading the book a few times, but i could never get through a few pages because of fear.
It’s like, what if i die because i was afraid?
to be completely honest i don’t know if this story even makes sense (?) i just know that i’m very very afraid of reading that book, even though i own it and it is waiting for me to read it as any other book would. It’s not like i was planning on reading the necronomicon or something, it’s just a book, a MG/YA book, not a damned one. Gee, i swear sometimes i don’t even make sense to myself.
I know, i may sound ridiculous, but i guess you need to be in my mind to understand it. I wish i could show you how it all looks in my mind, because it makes a lot of sense.
Anyway, do you have a book you think you’ll never read even though it is on your TBR? Leave your comment down below!