Not A ‘Good Reading’ Year [thus far]

We are about half way through July 2016, so i figured, i can already talk a little about how my reading is going this far.  Now, i’ll talk about both sides of my reading, meaning the amount of books and how much i enjoyed them.

My goal for the year, i wanted tove a doable goal, i set it at 60 book, which means 5 books per month. Pretty doable right? Right. As of today i already read 74 books and i’m trying to get to the 100 by the end of the year, just because it seems like i can do it right now.

You may think, ‘then you are doing fine, Clemence… how is it not a good reading year?’.

So, let me explain this;

When i started this year i knew it will be a difficult one. 2015 was an amazing year, i had it difficult to choose my favorites because there were too many of them. Out of the 105 i read last year i LOVED at least 85, like a lot.

So, when 2016 started i was worried i wouldn’t be able to find good books as all those again, at least not that much… this far i’d been right.

It doesn’t matter how many books i read, i cannot find *the* books. Like, yeah

Like, yeah i might like them, but they don’t change my life (with only a few exceptions) and it feels really sad… I feel like yeah, i can finish reading those books but i would totally rather find books to fall in love with, the kind of books i will reread a few more times.

I’ m really trying to find these *amazing* books, i just cannot find them… and it is making me lose hope. This far i’ve been trying but i’m scared of the big reading slump that may come because i cannot find books i really love and enjoy.

So, here i am… still hoping to find books, and maybe because of that i’m writing this, to ask you guys if you could give me some books recommendations, and i mean books that really made an impression on you. Pretty please?

I’d be forever thankful.

Will be waiting for your recs!

‘Til Next Time 😉



The Mainstream Awakens

Last week i finally got to watch Star Wars: The Force Awakens. As a person who has never watched the movies, i got to admit i enjoyed it more than i expected… some stuff seemed a little off, but overall it was a good experience.

Now, you see… after ‘liking’ or enjoying the new movie i found myself in a conundrum… should i watch the previous movies? And i know, the normal answer would be one out of two;

  1. you should’ve watched them before
  2. of course, you have to watch them! if you enjoyed this one, you’ll love episodes IV, V& VI …[which are according to my understanding, the orginal and best ones].

But, starting to watch Star Wars is so much more than loving a movie, or a trilogy or a trilogy of trilogies or even soup operas in space.

Starting to watch movies this mainstream is difficult … so, so difficult… First of all; for a very long time i was ashamed of the fact that i didn’t watch the movies, people couldn’t believe it for some reason … now, i don’t have a reason to be ashamed, i watched already episodes IV,V,VI & VII … and i enjoyed them a lot… and yeah, i’m insiting in enjoying and not loving,because even though i already know i’ll be rewatching them, we just met and i’m not there yet (XD).

Wait,i lost the point i was trying to make.

Okay, so.. so many times i talked about how i couldn’t understand the fuss over these movies, and yes, i was talking s***, because now i know better and all, and it’s great to be able to understand you were wrong and correct your mistakes, but i live surrounded by people that will judge me for liking the movies as they judged me for not watching and liking them before… as if they watched them… i’m sure they didn’t.

Second; The amount of information; games, books, audiodramas … there is, it’s huge, like, it’s a  vast universe (galaxy?) of its own, … will i be able to really take it all? I mean… sometimes i obsess about stuff, if i obsess about this, my mind is going to explode because of the great amount of stuff i need to learn… it’s not that i don’t have spare time, the question is… can my mind handle all of it?

Third and most important; as Star Wars is the mother of  all mainstreams, even people that haven’t watched the movies know a lot about them, only today i was sitting with my sister and she talked about some stuff i heard before and watched in the movies, but she never saw the movies, and she still knows a lot, from Darth Vader’s theme song, to the names of the stormtroopers, who Chewbacca is and the fact that Harrison Ford plays Han Solo… she knows way more than i expected.

But really thinking back about it, how couldn’t she? Every show has made a reference or parodied the movies, some of them made such a good work i literally knew what was going to happen next because i saw it in a parody…

Like, if you haven’t watched the movies yet.. it’s completely possible you actually did… i don’t think there’s any plot twist of the original trilogy that wasn’t spoiled at some point, since the first movie was released … 38 years ago…

Well, actually … i don’t know what happens in Nosferatu, or in Citizen Kane… i didn’t know the ending of Psycho before i watched it, but i knew pretty much all my life who was Luke’s father, and his sister… and what happens in the end of the third movie…

I have no idea how i managed to actually pull through, i didn’t want to because i knew already all that needs to happen… who dies and who survives and even who is Yoda.

Also, if you watch the new movie without watching the older ones before, and if you don’t know the spoilers already out, it may spoil you some stuff anyway…

So, yes… it’s difficult to decide to watch the movie with most spoilers out there in the world,but to be honest … if you do try, it may surprise you in a very neat way…

That’s also why i’m currently reading Pride and Prejudice…

Well, i think that’s all i wanted to say… for now…

‘Til Next Time 😉



Book Buying Ban Month.

As i commented previously in [HERE] last month was a wild month of buying books, not everyday but several times each week. To be honest the idea sounds really fun, and it’s pretty awesome to have new books every week, but at the end of the month when recounting how many books i purchased in 30 days i felt a bit guilty.

I talked about this with a friend, actually my friend because she is the only one i have, which is great because I’m not overload with people to talk and such so my time is pretty much all mine, who told me it’s becoming a little of a problem to buy so many books [“where do you put 35 new books?” “Some of them are in my iPad” “how many are there then?” “About 20? Idk”*friend rolls eyes*”why do you even buy kindle editions, those aren’t even real books!” “Of course they are! And would you rather I’ll have another 15 books around?!”].

Anyway, she made me promise i won’t be buying any books this month so the *universe can rearrange itself* ok, whatever.

Funny thing she told me this by the 30th and i had just finish reading The Knife of Never Letting Go so i went quickly to amazon and bought the other two books of the trilogy .., i know it’s kind of cheating, but I’m not planning on ending the year without finishing the trilogy. [life may get in the middle of my plans, i hope not].

I know, this is going to be extremely difficult, because books are so precious to me, but i’m starting to think people are right, i do have a problem… only now it’s getting more difficult, because i’m so used to check bookdepository and amazon first thing whenever i get to my computer… these days are proving to be excruciating for me.

But i have to be strong, and get through this month without entering those sites or regular bookstores, because i’m weak, and i can’t handle myself while in closeness of books.

On the other hand i can already say that January will be again a wild month, because it’s not as if i won’t want some books that are released this December, i just won’t be able to purchase them at the time… Which may put me in loop of book buying bans forever…

Oh Lord have mercy of my bookless soul this month…

Okay, wish me luck… this is going to be a difficult month…

Overbuying books

Everyone at my work place knows i have a problem with buying books and as much as i love buying and reading them, they seem to enjoy it way more than me. Well, they enjoy telling me i have a problem and that i should stop.
Normally i wouldn’t think i do have a problem but as the month is ending i did a recount of the books i bought and i shocked myself.
As of this moment i already bought 28 books. Oh Lord, have mercy of my soul… more like have mercy of my bank account…
But as guilty as i actually feel for spending so much money I’m really wanting to buy some more books, like there are some specific books i really want like,”Made you up” by Francesca Zappia, i’ve been looking for this book everywhere, but i feel the price is a little high right now…

Because i buy a lot of books, i can’t afford to buy pricey books, otherwise my bank account would really suffer with all the buying.. So i mostly wait until they get a nice discount, this way i can afford a lot more books.

The fact that i can’t afford pricey books it’s driving me crazy mostly because i want to buy the new illustrated Harry Potter book but it’s so expensive, with that money i could buy about four other books (at least) and so, i keep hoping for a miracle to happen and so i’ll be able to buying the book…

Another thing i tend to do is buy paperbacks, yeah.. i know… Hardcover books are usually way prettier, but they are also more expensive, so i buy paperback… which is very annoying, because some books are only hardcovers, what why!? how come it’s nearly impossible to find some paperbacks? Why are publishers making it so difficult for me to buy books?! … Are they trying to help me? … what what WHAT?!

Okay, so yeah, i know i’m going a little too far with all this overbuying, but i didn’t understand the magnitude of it until last week, when i was talking with my coworkers.. it’s stronger than me… i really can’t help it, maybe i should seek for help, but to whom?

Hope next month i’ll be a little more in control of my doings…

I’ll keep you posted, ’til next time 😉



P.s: forget it, i bought some more now .. The final count is of 35…

Beware of the spoiler

There’s something really nice about reading a book when it is published, isn’t it? The time when you can still use the internet without being afraid of  getting huge spoilers on that new book you want to read/finish so much.

But well, nothing is perfect apparently, who hasn’t been spoiled about critic events about to happen on that book series you’d been reading for ages but had been too busy to pick up the book that was released last week and by the time you are about to get to it you get spoilers, spoilers everywhere.

Spoilers are the natural enemy of a reader, right next to the writers (i’ll be talking about that on an upcoming post of “confessions of a shipperholic).

For a reason that escapes me, people really enjoy throwing spoilers over the internet, ruinning so many plot twists, it almost hurts. I can’t tell you how many books i won’t be reading anytime soon because the internet has accidentally spoiled the most crucial point of it all.

Let me tell you something, you cannot accidentally throw the fact that an important character dies while randomly commenting on a book. You just don’t do it, because it may ruin the experience to many other readers..

Although i have to admit that spoilers have saved me for picking up books i wouldn’t enjoy, for the most part, spoilers are just a pain in the arse. Like, you seriously thought i wanted to know my favorite character dies in the next book?

Another incredibly annoying thing is avoiding a spoiler so obvious that ends up being a spoilers by omission. Of the books i haven’t heard any major spoilers there are some that are extremely obvious, even though i haven’t read them all.

Let’s talk about some of the books that have been ruinned for me without spoiling anything to other readers.

A few of the books i wanted to read but i got spoiled on are:

Looking for Alaska. I’m not the biggest John Green’s fan, as i already commented on my unpopular opinion booktag but i had huge hopes about this book until in a weird list of recommendations someone compared the book to another one i had read and the spoiler became too obvious for me to even try and read the book, thanks for nothing person whom wrote that list.

The Throne of Glass. This book is the classic “we aren’t saying any spoilers – and by it we are actually making it a spoiler” series. I started reading this book at the beginning of the year, but as i got into it too many hints were thrown at me by the writer and then by people recommending it. Also, it had a little too perfect main character (but that isn’t the point of this post).

Clockwork Princess. Oh, now this book and all these series are huge spoilers to one another. You cannot actually read first one and then the other series, unless you read them by the way these books were published you are going to get spoiled. Also, if you watch the movie before reading the first three books you are in for a massive spoiler, a very annoying one.

Okay, so those are the books i currently remember, i checked my goodreads account but apparenly i have erased all the otherbooks i wanted to read but got spoiled about, except for the ones that were rightfully spoiled.

Rightfully spoiled? and what would that be?

Well, sometimes for the sake of the readers you have to make some disclammers, when a book may contain triggers, i think my favorite book of all time have a massive “spoiler” in the way it is presented, because i’m sure i was waiting for the thing to happen all the time, and yet when it did come to it, i wasn’t prepared, and yes i still think about it and cry, like, a lot.

Anyway, please, when you are writing/commenting on a book/series/tv show/whatever , remember there are people that haven’t yet got to the same place you did, and so some of those comments may spoil many surprises for them.

As i said at the beginning, waiting for something it’s incredible and so, having a thing you’d been waiting for so long it’s a great bummer…

Well, that’s all now. ‘Til next time!;)



Top 10 films [that made me sleep with the lights on]

Halloween is around the corner so, in order of not bothering the evil spirits (between Halloween and the Day of the Dead [el dia de los muertos] no one is safe) i decided to be part of the festivities and so.. This top 10 films that scared and scared me for life was born!

But first a little disclaimer; althought i’m a huge fan of horror movies [these days], when i was little i was exposed to some disturbing characters. At the time i was sort of a daredevil in that matter and some of that stuff scared me for life, so… many of the movies i rewatched as a grown up and i’m like “oh wow, that wasn’t scary at all, actually” but the fear for some reason prevails. Also, I know many of these movies aren’t that scary, heck i spent so many days watching horror movie after horror movie i may have watched way worst movies but after a while you just can’t really see how scary they are.


10. Jeepers Creepers.

Info about the movie HERE

This may be weird, but i watched this movie several times the weekend when i discovered it, and it wasn’t as if i wasn’t afraid, i was, very much, but i just couldn’t stop watching it. Also, this may be the only movie from the list that actually gave me nightmares. Yeah, after a while i stopped sleeping unless it was in daylight.

9. The Sixth Sense.

Info about the movie HERE

Whomever had the great idea of letting my [then] 12 years old sister take me [9 by the time] to watch this movie at the theatre was INSANE. I remember it was the first time i went to the movies with “big girls” and i tried to remain cool, i didn’t want them to see me scared, but the moment that girl puked all over the place i lost my shit and just couldn’t. One of my sister’s friends huged me (she was freaking out too) and we spent the rest of the movie that way. Since then i rewatched the movie many times, and i have to admit, it’s not really scary, but at the time i was so scared that i’ll see dead people somewhere, i was so freaked out.

8. Paranormal Activity.

Info about the movie HERE

Okay, although i was already a grown up when i watched it scared me. Well, most of the movie is boring, but the scene when the gal spends hours just standing and watching the guy sleep it’s just creepy. And i mean, it freaked me out pretty badly, because to this day, one of the things i fear the most is waking in the middle of the night to find someone staring at me sleeping (i guess Edward and I could never happen). So creepy, … I watched it only once and i had enough, but I watched the second movie anyway. Never watched the rest.
7. The Blair Witch Project.

Info about the movie HERE

This movie and I go way back, i go to watch this movie when i was about 10, for some reason i can’t understand my mom let me watch it with my sister at night. I remember being scared, like, really scared after… I would stand with my back to the wall always, so i can be sure the witch isn’t coming, and then at some point an aunt of mine got me a book based on the movie, it was “the information the guys in the movie gathered before they disappeared”, the book freaked me out even more, but it also got me to watch the movie again (??). The second time i watched the movie i really enjoyed it, and since then it became on of my favorite movies, like in my top 20 for sure.

6. Pet Sematary.

Info about the movie HERE

The other day i was talking about this movie at work, just to remember the most horrible part of it (i won’t spoil it). Normally i can only remember this guy called Pascow opening a trunk door or something like that and it always was enough for me to avoid this movie ever again. I watched this with my sister and my stepdad a few years ago and they were all “meh, i’ve seen better” while i was all “aaaaaaaaaaaaahh!!!” . Since i’ve never watched it again and i mostly forgot what happens (okay, i remember the basics just fine) i can’t say if i would be scared if i’d watch it again, but just to be sure, i won’t.

5. Sinister.

Info about the movie HERE

This is the movie i LOVE being SCARED OF. I watched this movie two or three years ago, and althought the ‘monster’ of the movie is scary as crap, i totally loved him. I mean, yeah, i’m still afraid i may wake up one night to find him next to my door, and it would be the scariest thing ever, but like, i can’t wait to find the way of watching the sequel, because i totally loved the movie. Is it as weird as it feels to me?

4. It.

Info about the movie HERE

I’m never ever stepping on a sewer. I didn’t watch this movie when i was little, but i’ve been afraid of Pennywise since i remember myself. I’ll blame it on the channel where it was screened because the promos where too explicit for the hours it was showed. It was horrifying really, and for years i would close my eyes and remember him in the sewer, i hated so much when my granma tried to make me step on them, and to this day i don’t. I actually watched the movie a couple of years ago just to find out it wasn’t scary, and i felt betrayed by it, but i will always remember the clown as one of the most horrible things i’ve ever seen.

3. Ringu.

Info about the movie HERE

This was the first asian horror movie i’ve ever seen. And it’s kind of a funny story. When i decided i would watch this movie i was 14 and i was home alone. I knew people would call you if they knew you were watching the movie so i kept the information to myself and watched it as nothing. I didn’t even flinch while watching, and after i finished i couldn’t care less about it. Weeks passed by and i was still very happy, i even started watching even more scary movies. Then, one night a gal i used to talk to by msn told me she saw the movie and described some stuff from it to me. The moment i remember the stuff i saw i completely lost it. For years i was so scared of Sadako, it was horrible. A psychologist told me that it may had happened because even tho i enjoy horror movies i’m very susceptible to them and also my imagination is very strong so seeing it in my mind may have been even worst than the movie itself.

2. The Exorcist.

Info about the movie HERE

There’s a chance i may have the fear for this movie in my own DNA. My father went three times to the theatre to watch it and he couldn’t finish it, ever. Heck, he went to a date with my mom to watch it.

This movie is the only one (on the list) i still haven’t finished watching. My fear of this movie started when i was 14, my sister made me play a concentration game and at some point the face of the girl jumped and i almost fainted. Since then i’ve been really afraid of this movie, … also, many times people showed me parts of it, i still don’t know why everytime i told them i was scared they showed me scenes from the movie. Then, a few years back one night my sister find the movie on tv and told me we should watch it together, it was 4am and i didn’t want to, but she told me it would be therapeutic. She fell asleep even before the girl started acting weird and after a while i decided i’m not brave enough to watch it alone.

1. Ju-On.

Info about the movie HERE

Fun fact: i watched the trilogy alone in one night.
These movies are what nightmares should be made of, i dreaded these movies from the moment the gal entered the room and the dark thing was draining(?) the old lady (i think it was a woman or was it a man? I think it was a woman). My sister was sitting near me and asked me “why are you doing this to yourself?” then she left me alone with the movies. By the end of the first film i knew that 1- i was scared to death by those entities 2- the movie was genius 3- i wouldn’t be sleeping that night so i might as well watch them all.
I think the scariest thing about the films is that it leaves you with the feeling that nowhere it’s safe, if it can appear under your sheets and that little boy feats everywhere, you can’t escape.
Yeah, by the middle of the second film some parts where predictable, but i don’t think any movie made a strong impression in me as this movies, i was scared of my bed, of stairs, i was sure the creepy thing will find me in a public restroom and kill me, i started imagining sounds at night and since then i can’t sleep without white noise, because of the sounds that thing made. Yeah, I’m still afraid. Obviously it didn’t stop me from watching the American remake, which wasn’t scary as the Japanese ones to be honest.
Fun fact 2: the day after i watched the movies i had a friend visiting and she told me she marathoned the movies the night before too, while we were talking my little brother [6 at the time] decided to play in my room, strangely enough he played by hiding at random places (like under my bed) and then graving me by the foot, he scared me more than once that day.
Fun fact 3: my sister decided i wasn’t scared enough, so one night before we went to bed she told me she heard noises in my room and thought it was me, but she checked and i wasn’t even home. She also told me she thought she heard a little boy’s voice in my room. I didn’t slept in that room again for weeks.

Have a great Halloween!!

’til next time :3

When the circus came to town

I never thought much of a bucket lists, apparently many people have them, but i never thought i needed one…or had one for what it matters, although i guess i just saw it a my tbr list (?). 

A few weeks ago i went to a Cirque Du Soleil show – “Quidam”. When i was waiting for it to start i remembered how much i’ve been willing to see one of their shows… so many years longing for it. While sitting there, it popped to my head that would be something to cross off my bucket list, … and then rewrite it there because i have to go see them again.

What a magical evening it was. I mean, my inner child was in tears the whole time. I can’t remember the circuses i’ve been in before, something with dogs in parachutes, the Moscow Circus (?). Don’t really know, i only remember a puddle being thrown by someone to the ground. … Anyway… The Cirque Du Soleil show was nothing i could ever dream, it was just so freaking amazing. Those people, the performers  (all of them; acrobats, actors, musicians) are so talented, all of them. Tears, i was in tears (of joy of course).

Being in the first row (i couldn’t believe it!), seeing their faces for real, not from afar imagining them (not at all), seeing their muscules shaking from all the work they were doing, it was amazing.

More than anything it felt as a surreal dream. A dream i wouldn’t mind having every time i close my eyes. It reminded me of movies such as Paprika. It was so weird, good weird, of course. There’s a peaceful, relaxing beauty on watching such talented performance in such a short time. You didn’t finished gasping about something yet anohter as incredible as that one already started. Man, those people are so talented, they are art, ART THEMSELVES.

I wish i could really describe in words my feelings for what i saw. It’s weird because i could describe the acts here, tell you what i enjoyed (everything), but i have the feeling that describing, just describing it wouldn’t make it justice. This is something you have to see with your own eyes (or go home), because the feelings, the colors and the performance it’s too much.

So, instead i’ll talk about what catched my eye during the whole show, the talk i had with my sister (who accompanied me) after and my future plans…

Maybe i should start by giving  a little summary of the show;

Young Zoé is bored; her parents, distant and apathetic, ignore her. Her life has lost all meaning. Seeking to fill the void of her existence, she slides into an imaginary world – the world of Quidam – where she meets characters who encourage her to free her soul.

Quidam: a nameless passer-by, a solitary figure lingering on a street corner, a person rushing past and swallowed by the crowd. It could be anyone, anybody. Someone coming or going at the heart of our anonymous society. A member of the crowd, one of the silent majority. The one who cries out, sings and dreams within us all. This is the “quidam” whom this show allows to speak. This is the place that beckons – a place for dreaming and genuine relations where all quidams, by proclaiming their individuality, can finally emerge from anonymity.

taken from the official Cirque Du Soileil website.

So, there were two characters who i saw picking on  Zoe the whole time, John and Target. John was hillarious, Target was the cutest character to ever cute. 

<Zoe with John and Target; respectively>

Okay, yeah.. Target was the character i found myself most drown to, he was most of the time at the back doing goofy stuff (he reminded me of a little boy or a puppy) , many times on a cage and although he was merely a part of the background my sister had to keep telling me to look at the main actm because i was staring at him instead.  So yeah.. he catched my eye badly. I could spend days just staring at this man doing so much cute stuff.

Target, the bae

<the original planwas to buy another ticket to go to the show again, because i needed to watch it again, but it turned to be an impossibility>

So, as i started as an idiot (i’m sure of this) i enjoyed not only the main acts, but also the little things on the show. And by the end of the show Target was my bae (in my mind obviously).

Anyway, it was not as if he was the only thing i paid attention to (although a large amount of it was, it was pretty intense), i liked.. more like LOVED all the acts. I was surprised to discover my sister enjoyed the most the diabolos and jiggling acts. I never thought she could love those, but to be honest, i didn’t think she would love any of it, as i had to obligate her to come with me.

After the show when talking about what we saw, she described to me so many things i’ve missed, meanings and ideas i didn’t see, which felt weird to me (not to say awkward), i saw people being art, she saw meaning on everything. But i guess it’s kind of my sister’s thing, she studying art and creative design, so that’s something she should do .. (not all the time but.. hey, not my thing..)

As for my dreams…yeah, it’s not as if iwas running away to join a circus right now .. (that ship sailed away from me). But i always looked for wonder in life, and i gotta admit this reality thing we live in makes it difficult to find, and then sometimes, without really looking you find something really great, and it makes you happy even if just for a little time. That happened to me while watching the show, that evening. I won’t become an acrobat (for so many reasons), but i can go watch more of those kind of shows.

So, the plan now is ;

  1. whenever they come to where i live; i’ll go to their shows [maybe even more than once].
  2. some of their shows are in fixed places or will never come here, so to those i’ll have to go myself.

Technicaly the idea is to become a Cirque Du Soleil fangirl, next time i’ll be prepared! Not like this time, i just randomly saw the poster and remember how much i always wanted to go to their show, but my mom could never take us, so i just thought “wait, i’m a working grown up! i can buy a ticket myself!” and so it happened…

Now.. thinking of it… do they have fans? or is it just random people that happen to go to their shows? Do they have a fanbase? I guess i couldn’t be the only one that loved it so much, right? … I surely hope so!

Okay.. so, next stop; finding the Cirque Du Soleil Fanbase!

Wish me luck! see you next time!

May I tell you something? … nevermind, i already forgot…

I can’t believe it.

It feels like only yesterday was April fools’ day, and yet, April is already gone… the month is over.

April has been a busy month, even though i can’t think of any important thing that i’ve done, i feel like i didn’t have time at all. Looking at the fact that i haven’t written in weeks, i’m trying to remember what the heck was i doing, but i’m coming up with an empty mind.

Well, let me just say that my wasted time isn’t the only thing i can’t remember. A few weeks ago i realized i’m having a lot of trouble remembering faces, like, people that i’ve been working with for months, i was sure they were completely new, i also, can’t remember the faces of the people in my psychometry class, i may remember one or two, it’s been pretty awkward, because they say hi to me, and i have no idea, do i know them?

At least i still remember my family’s faces, because that would be just wrong… so, i’m not very preoccupied by it. Also, my friend at work (yeah, i know, it may sound weird, but i only have one…) told me not to worry, she thinks it’s very normal for a person like me to not remember faces, as she put it “it’s not like you look at people while talking to them” … so according to her, i’m just not paying any attention.

Being completely honest, it does sound like me, i’m not only shy but also not interested in people. Yeah, i wonder if it makes me an introvert, shy or just a nasty and arrogant person. I’m hoping it’s just that i’m an introvert…

Well, although i’m not the most social person in the world (…) i do interact with others, even though it isn’t something i really enjoy (unless it’s with a *friend*), normally people bore me (a lot), they all sound the same … i like people interested in something more than theirselves, otherwise a conversation with them rapidly becomes a “me-versation” and i can’t stand it.

I work mostly with shallow, boring people that recur to vulgarities just to have something to talk about… the topic of “50 shades of Gray” was their favorite, and they talked and talked and talked about it for months, also, one of my coworkers borrowed the trilogy to almost everyone at the office, so they had a lot to talk about… , yeah right…., and by the time the heat passed the movie was released and they started again… By now it’s over, but they kept the main topic in mind and it still pops up sometimes…

So, in the jungle that it’s my work place (that’s how it feels like), i found two people to talk to. Which is 100% more than what i normally find… one is my so called friend, the other one is a quite strange pal that i’m not sure if we do talk to each other or not… Anyway, it’s not like i’ll go all by myself to talk to him, i don’t feel like i can talk to people i’m not sure about, so… there it goes…

It’s a weird, weird world… Charlie Brown

So, … what was i even talking about?

Oh yeah, i was talking about forgetting things, i even forgot i wasn’t suppose to go to class yesterday, woke up 5am, went to the campus and then, only then found out (again) that we don’t have class.

Too bad i can’t forget stuff i would want to, like, the endings of Clannad after story,  Eleanor & Park or the Harry Potter series so i could enjoy them all over again… or those things that keep me suffering for no reason, now those i would really much like to erase from my mind…

Well, i don’t know where this was suppose to be going, i started writing it yesterday, and i really can’t remember what did i plan…



Having An Accent

I don’t remember if i already talked about it but I’m an immigrant. I was born in Argentina but because of the hard situation there my family emigrated.
It was in the early months of 2002, and none of us knew the *new* language. Back then i was a little girl with really big dreams something about being an astrophysicist, i dreamed about the stars… Many said i could do it, because, as they told me i had a “great head”. And to be honest i believed i could, I felt like i was something, back then, when all i would care about was which book did i want to read next.
But emigrating does something to you, it surely did something to me. It broke me. I used to be the smartest girl in class, the teacher’s pet, the girl with all the answers, at home they used to call me 1-800-clems. But that day, the day we left our country,  the know-it-all girl just lost herself.

There’s something about understanding stuff that makes you feel secure, starting in a new school, where everyone talks a language you don’t understand at all, meeting a new culture, is hard. And to be honest, even when i’m usually a nice person, i don’t know how to make friends. People may think i’m nice, but inside i felt rotten and still do, sometimes.

The problems with the immigration was having to grow up, and fast. When your parents can’t understand the language you have to learn it, as fast as you can, cause now you have to help. And so i did. Taking care of stuff i didn’t want to, and when my sister wasn’t there, me, the 12 years old girl had to do many things she didn’t want to.

I really didn’t want to grow up so fast.

And so i escaped home going to a boarding school, which means i was surrounded by people not speaking my langugage 24/7, and it was like that for 5 year. Well, there were some latin americans there with me,  but it’s not like they were my besties, only one of them thought of herself as my best friend at a time, but she did some questionable things that broke me even more at the time and i couldn’t forgive her, ever.

With time, as i learnt the language, i managed to succeed on class. I started to use a high leveled vocabulary, was pretty good on grammar and stuff because i like so much to read.

But even when being the first of my class, i was the only one still having such a pronunciated accent.

Now, let me tell you, most of the people i know who immigrated at my age lost their accents after a short while, all except me, so when people meet me for the first time they are all “oh, your speaking is great, when did you immigrated?” when i tell them it was 12 years ago they ask me how old was i, then i tell them i was 12, and they go like “oh, wow” and you can see it’s not impressive, i’m like half  my life here and still sound as if i just got here from Argentina yesterday.

And it’s not that i have a problem, much problem with me being Argentinian, (well, the accent isn’t the porblem i have with it) but the fact that they can always spot me, they always know i’m not from here, they make me an outsider, i’m a perpetual outsider, i will always be one, because this accent isn’t going anywhere.

I used to hate talking because of the strong accent i have, i closed myself, i was even afraid to speak, because some letter i just can’t pronunce, and even today there are some words i know i won’t say, because my RRRR gets all over the place.

I know it’s silly, but it gets to you at some point, even if i can think in both languages, i’m still not part of this place, and they remind me every single time, every laugh they have because of my pronunciation, every time they try to pronunciate the “R” like me.

And it’s not like they all are making fun of me, although some of the people are, some even try to explain to me it’s a compliment, but to be honest, for me it isn’t. Again, remarking the fact that my accent is different, because i’m from a different place, a place i’ll never come back to, a place that once was my home but isn’t anymore, it’s not fun and complimentary, it’s just putting me aside even when they think it’s a “nice thing”. For me it isn’t so stop.

It’s not fun to remember you once were something, you believed in yourself, you thought you had a bright future, and in a moment it was all gone, i’m fluent in more than one language now, yes, but i’m missing many words in both vocabularies. I’m not here, i’m not there, i had to create my own self, because i was nothing, again.

I will never know if i would end up the same way i did if i were to stay in Argentina when growing up, but in this reality, so many things happened, i was broken, i’m broken, and i’m trying, every single day, i try and try again…

But no, i won’t try to make that silly accent, i  feel like an idiot for even trying.

Well, that’s it for now!

see yah!