This is just a wrap up of my year and my sight looking forward to 2021, but i just need to give a heads up with a TW: I’ll talk about mental health and treatment (which includes medication). If you are not intrested in those things feel free to move on from this post.
Thank the gods, the year is over. I think we can all agree that overall it wasn’t such a good year, with all the Covid-2019 and the lockdowns and all… I think it exhausted all of us, being at home. Like, to be completely honest most of the time i didn’t mind, because i’m a stay at home person most of the time, but at some point i just missed going shopping at bookstores.
This year i had to take a step up and take my boss’ place at work because she was on maternity leave and the job took a tool on me, really hard for me… i started to believe in Peter’s principle because of it… (nah, i already believed it but i was shown the real deal), i got stressed, anxious, and depressed a lot because of my lackings, and i felt very inadecuate.
Aside of that, the first 6-7 months of this year were… boring, i mostly watched tv and stayed at home. I had the fortune of working from my house or actually my parents’s house because i spent every lockdown there (we had two). Working from home gave me 3 more hours a day (i didn’t have to wake up at 5 am, and i was home at 3 pm, no need for the bus), so i started watching a ton of anime, which ended up becoming me reading manga, and then reading books.
Since i started reading so many books (from September and on) i decided it was a great time to do something i’ve wanting to do for a very long time, i came back to my blog after a huge hiatus, just to find out it still had followers.
It was a vey nice surprise i may to add, since i thought by now everyone would’ve forget me. I’m still recovering but now i plan ahead of time and work more efficently. I’ve been on a roll since October and i hope it keeps going this way next year too.
In a way i feel fortunate enough that i didn’t have plans for the year, no traveling, not studying, no nothing, came up pretty handy overall. But things are moving on and so am I.
I understand next year may be pretty much like this one, but this time around i am planning ahead, i’ll try to start studying next fall, i’m still not sure what exactly but i have some ideas.
Having expectations for next year is a new concept for me, i’ve been suffering from depression for most of my life and always thought nothing was worth expecting for.
I had a pretty bad patch in April/May, i almost didn’t woke up from bed, i didn’t go to work…. my social worker tried to make me see the good stuff in all of it, which i couldn’t but i gotta admit the guy is good because after a lot of struggling he helped me get in touch with a CBT therapist, and my psychiatrist. I started taking Valium in June and though it doesn’t always help, if i take it before i go to bed i can manage to go to work in the morning.
Studying, driving, and trying to find love… (i know the last one sounds ridiculous to me too) are stuff he is pushing through to doing next year. I’m very grateful for him this year, he might have been the best thing to happen to me in a very long time. He is such a thoughtful person, and i guess it makes sense because why would you have such a job if you are not, but it helps to know i have someone to call if i’m feeling really down.
Aside from my depression i’m still struggling with my compulsion of buying stuff when i have anxiety… yes, i buy books because i feel the need so much i just can’t stop myself. This isn’t going as well as my depression treatment but the CBT therapist may be able to help me with that (I hope, i just started seeing him).
I think, most of all, doing stuff i enjoy (as reading or posting on my blog again) is sort of helping me and i’m extremely thankful for that.
I don’t know what was the highest point of the year, but i know i met some low ones and they were, well… horrible. I felt no purpose or will, i could’ve just stay in bed or the sofa for all i actually cared. I have to say thnak god for this country has a ton on people willing to help if you are looking for said help.
Reading also became a huge part of my life getting on the better side. Since I came back to reading and posting on the blog i feel a lot more purposeful and happy. I love my blog even if people don’t even read it. It makes me happy to know it exists and i can always write here.
I’m still not at my fullest, i’m just half way through, I read about 55 books this year, while in my better times i would surpase the 100 in a regular one, but i’m etting there and i guess that’s what’s important overall. I’m overcoming my own weaknesses, my illnesses, my lack of purpose. Finally i see a light at the end of the tunnel. And i’m thnakful for that.
All of the sudden i feel like this should have been a thanksgiving post, but we don’t celebrate it so i’m making it my wrap up of the year.
I watched some really good shows, read some great books and spent quality time with the family which was a blessing in disguise. I really can’t complain. I know a lot of people had a really rough year, but i just had a blessing. Sure, some people i know got the virus, but they turned out okay, and i can only say Thanks to the Universe for that.
It had been a weird year, but we managed to end it and we are still here as humanity! HOORAY FOR US!
I think a lot of us learned about helping and being kind in this quarantine and that is just amazing.
I hope next year is better than this one, for all of us. I know we can’t all live forever, but i hope the virus is slowed down and we can resume our normal lives.
Wishing all the best for you and your family.
all my loving,