A short introspection

I believe everyone knows the feeling of needing a vacation, like, to real need of going away for a while when everything in their everyday life is stressing them.
Lately i’ve been feeling this a lot, but as if i needed a vacation from my everyday, but from my own self.Featured image
This may sound overdramatic, but i just got to the point in which hearing myself thinking is completely annoying, i can’t stand my thoughts, and everything is just very very stressing to me.
A few months ago i made the decision of starting doing something with my life, and somehow i ended up inscribing myself on a course of the “psychometric exam” that currently i’m regreting very much, this course is taking away from me the little time i have for myself and it’s really difficult to keep my routine afloat. I know many people do study and work and keep a house all at the same time, because many people keep reminding me i’m not the only person with these problems, and i do understand this, but hey, we are all different people with different personalities and the fact that a million or more can do this, doesn’t mean I can do it too…
People need to remember at the core of ourselves we are different, we see and exprience life differently, for example; i cry when watching a documentary about some disaster that happened 40 years ago, but i’m pretty sure many others wouldn’t.
I saw a motorcyclist getting hit by a car the other day, many people stood there looking while the guy laid on the ground and as we waited for the ambulance, people just stood, i was crying as if i knew the guy even though i didn’t. Others were there just because it was a spectacle. How many there really worried about the hurt person?
So, you see, people are different, even if out DNA is basicly the same, our brains work differently, and we act differently. So, when i say i can’t take stuff anymore, because the life i have is way too much for me, no one can come and tell me i’m overracting, because that’s me, maybe for them is overracting, but i’m drowning on this life.
I keep observing people, managing their lives, and even though i know they can’t be all perfect, i still have the feeling they are doing better than me. Because of this feeling i keep asking myself what am i doing wrong? is it something my brain is doing? like, it’s a basic physical problem? is my mind doing this? how can i become something more than this?
I cannot find answers, i don’t really have someone to talk to about all these qustiong i have, i don’t have someone to open my heart to… my poor mother is the one that gets to know all the crap i have inside, because she is the only person i trust, and i know she won’t leave me like everybody else in my life, but i know it hurts her very much, and it’s a horrible feeling.
Yesterday talking to my mother after i had a huge fight with my sister, she asked me why am i so mad at everything and everyone, and to be honest i told her i have no idea, because i don’t. She toldme everyone knows what’s bothering them, what’s making them so angry, but i don’t, life for me is just wrath, and this wrath and hatred are not something i can stop.
The one advice i keep getting from everyone that knows my problem is to get me therapy, because i really need it. Oh really, you don’t say. But all the bad decision i started making are backfiring in the worst way possible, for me to find me a therapist i need money, because the therapy won’t pay itself, but because of the course i started i’ll be working less and less the next few months if want to even have a chance of succeeding on the exam… so less money, more stuff to pay, that’s troublesome… also, getting to be treated by a pshychiatrist is hard, no one listens to me, my particular doctor doesn’t care or even believe i’m having problems, so she won’t help me get help. Also, the fight last night with my sister helped her make ip her mind, she doesn’t want to live with me any longer, so next July i’ll be needing a new home place, and all the payments will be on me.
So, to be honest, i don’t know what am i doing anymore, life is difficul, even if for others it doesn’t seem.. As the one having to get through all these things, i’m not prepared for it and i’m losing myself, my mind, my place in the world… everything.

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