Having An Accent

I don’t remember if i already talked about it but I’m an immigrant. I was born in Argentina but because of the hard situation there my family emigrated.
It was in the early months of 2002, and none of us knew the *new* language. Back then i was a little girl with really big dreams something about being an astrophysicist, i dreamed about the stars… Many said i could do it, because, as they told me i had a “great head”. And to be honest i believed i could, I felt like i was something, back then, when all i would care about was which book did i want to read next.
But emigrating does something to you, it surely did something to me. It broke me. I used to be the smartest girl in class, the teacher’s pet, the girl with all the answers, at home they used to call me 1-800-clems. But that day, the day we left our country,  the know-it-all girl just lost herself.

There’s something about understanding stuff that makes you feel secure, starting in a new school, where everyone talks a language you don’t understand at all, meeting a new culture, is hard. And to be honest, even when i’m usually a nice person, i don’t know how to make friends. People may think i’m nice, but inside i felt rotten and still do, sometimes.

The problems with the immigration was having to grow up, and fast. When your parents can’t understand the language you have to learn it, as fast as you can, cause now you have to help. And so i did. Taking care of stuff i didn’t want to, and when my sister wasn’t there, me, the 12 years old girl had to do many things she didn’t want to.

I really didn’t want to grow up so fast.

And so i escaped home going to a boarding school, which means i was surrounded by people not speaking my langugage 24/7, and it was like that for 5 year. Well, there were some latin americans there with me,  but it’s not like they were my besties, only one of them thought of herself as my best friend at a time, but she did some questionable things that broke me even more at the time and i couldn’t forgive her, ever.

With time, as i learnt the language, i managed to succeed on class. I started to use a high leveled vocabulary, was pretty good on grammar and stuff because i like so much to read.

But even when being the first of my class, i was the only one still having such a pronunciated accent.

Now, let me tell you, most of the people i know who immigrated at my age lost their accents after a short while, all except me, so when people meet me for the first time they are all “oh, your speaking is great, when did you immigrated?” when i tell them it was 12 years ago they ask me how old was i, then i tell them i was 12, and they go like “oh, wow” and you can see it’s not impressive, i’m like half  my life here and still sound as if i just got here from Argentina yesterday.

And it’s not that i have a problem, much problem with me being Argentinian, (well, the accent isn’t the porblem i have with it) but the fact that they can always spot me, they always know i’m not from here, they make me an outsider, i’m a perpetual outsider, i will always be one, because this accent isn’t going anywhere.

I used to hate talking because of the strong accent i have, i closed myself, i was even afraid to speak, because some letter i just can’t pronunce, and even today there are some words i know i won’t say, because my RRRR gets all over the place.

I know it’s silly, but it gets to you at some point, even if i can think in both languages, i’m still not part of this place, and they remind me every single time, every laugh they have because of my pronunciation, every time they try to pronunciate the “R” like me.

And it’s not like they all are making fun of me, although some of the people are, some even try to explain to me it’s a compliment, but to be honest, for me it isn’t. Again, remarking the fact that my accent is different, because i’m from a different place, a place i’ll never come back to, a place that once was my home but isn’t anymore, it’s not fun and complimentary, it’s just putting me aside even when they think it’s a “nice thing”. For me it isn’t so stop.

It’s not fun to remember you once were something, you believed in yourself, you thought you had a bright future, and in a moment it was all gone, i’m fluent in more than one language now, yes, but i’m missing many words in both vocabularies. I’m not here, i’m not there, i had to create my own self, because i was nothing, again.

I will never know if i would end up the same way i did if i were to stay in Argentina when growing up, but in this reality, so many things happened, i was broken, i’m broken, and i’m trying, every single day, i try and try again…

But no, i won’t try to make that silly accent, i  feel like an idiot for even trying.

Well, that’s it for now!

see yah!

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