A short introspection

I believe everyone knows the feeling of needing a vacation, like, to real need of going away for a while when everything in their everyday life is stressing them.
Lately i’ve been feeling this a lot, but as if i needed a vacation from my everyday, but from my own self.Featured image
This may sound overdramatic, but i just got to the point in which hearing myself thinking is completely annoying, i can’t stand my thoughts, and everything is just very very stressing to me.
A few months ago i made the decision of starting doing something with my life, and somehow i ended up inscribing myself on a course of the “psychometric exam” that currently i’m regreting very much, this course is taking away from me the little time i have for myself and it’s really difficult to keep my routine afloat. I know many people do study and work and keep a house all at the same time, because many people keep reminding me i’m not the only person with these problems, and i do understand this, but hey, we are all different people with different personalities and the fact that a million or more can do this, doesn’t mean I can do it too…
People need to remember at the core of ourselves we are different, we see and exprience life differently, for example; i cry when watching a documentary about some disaster that happened 40 years ago, but i’m pretty sure many others wouldn’t.
I saw a motorcyclist getting hit by a car the other day, many people stood there looking while the guy laid on the ground and as we waited for the ambulance, people just stood, i was crying as if i knew the guy even though i didn’t. Others were there just because it was a spectacle. How many there really worried about the hurt person?
So, you see, people are different, even if out DNA is basicly the same, our brains work differently, and we act differently. So, when i say i can’t take stuff anymore, because the life i have is way too much for me, no one can come and tell me i’m overracting, because that’s me, maybe for them is overracting, but i’m drowning on this life.
I keep observing people, managing their lives, and even though i know they can’t be all perfect, i still have the feeling they are doing better than me. Because of this feeling i keep asking myself what am i doing wrong? is it something my brain is doing? like, it’s a basic physical problem? is my mind doing this? how can i become something more than this?
I cannot find answers, i don’t really have someone to talk to about all these qustiong i have, i don’t have someone to open my heart to… my poor mother is the one that gets to know all the crap i have inside, because she is the only person i trust, and i know she won’t leave me like everybody else in my life, but i know it hurts her very much, and it’s a horrible feeling.
Yesterday talking to my mother after i had a huge fight with my sister, she asked me why am i so mad at everything and everyone, and to be honest i told her i have no idea, because i don’t. She toldme everyone knows what’s bothering them, what’s making them so angry, but i don’t, life for me is just wrath, and this wrath and hatred are not something i can stop.
The one advice i keep getting from everyone that knows my problem is to get me therapy, because i really need it. Oh really, you don’t say. But all the bad decision i started making are backfiring in the worst way possible, for me to find me a therapist i need money, because the therapy won’t pay itself, but because of the course i started i’ll be working less and less the next few months if want to even have a chance of succeeding on the exam… so less money, more stuff to pay, that’s troublesome… also, getting to be treated by a pshychiatrist is hard, no one listens to me, my particular doctor doesn’t care or even believe i’m having problems, so she won’t help me get help. Also, the fight last night with my sister helped her make ip her mind, she doesn’t want to live with me any longer, so next July i’ll be needing a new home place, and all the payments will be on me.
So, to be honest, i don’t know what am i doing anymore, life is difficul, even if for others it doesn’t seem.. As the one having to get through all these things, i’m not prepared for it and i’m losing myself, my mind, my place in the world… everything.

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Having An Accent

I don’t remember if i already talked about it but I’m an immigrant. I was born in Argentina but because of the hard situation there my family emigrated.
It was in the early months of 2002, and none of us knew the *new* language. Back then i was a little girl with really big dreams something about being an astrophysicist, i dreamed about the stars… Many said i could do it, because, as they told me i had a “great head”. And to be honest i believed i could, I felt like i was something, back then, when all i would care about was which book did i want to read next.
But emigrating does something to you, it surely did something to me. It broke me. I used to be the smartest girl in class, the teacher’s pet, the girl with all the answers, at home they used to call me 1-800-clems. But that day, the day we left our country,  the know-it-all girl just lost herself.

There’s something about understanding stuff that makes you feel secure, starting in a new school, where everyone talks a language you don’t understand at all, meeting a new culture, is hard. And to be honest, even when i’m usually a nice person, i don’t know how to make friends. People may think i’m nice, but inside i felt rotten and still do, sometimes.

The problems with the immigration was having to grow up, and fast. When your parents can’t understand the language you have to learn it, as fast as you can, cause now you have to help. And so i did. Taking care of stuff i didn’t want to, and when my sister wasn’t there, me, the 12 years old girl had to do many things she didn’t want to.

I really didn’t want to grow up so fast.

And so i escaped home going to a boarding school, which means i was surrounded by people not speaking my langugage 24/7, and it was like that for 5 year. Well, there were some latin americans there with me,  but it’s not like they were my besties, only one of them thought of herself as my best friend at a time, but she did some questionable things that broke me even more at the time and i couldn’t forgive her, ever.

With time, as i learnt the language, i managed to succeed on class. I started to use a high leveled vocabulary, was pretty good on grammar and stuff because i like so much to read.

But even when being the first of my class, i was the only one still having such a pronunciated accent.

Now, let me tell you, most of the people i know who immigrated at my age lost their accents after a short while, all except me, so when people meet me for the first time they are all “oh, your speaking is great, when did you immigrated?” when i tell them it was 12 years ago they ask me how old was i, then i tell them i was 12, and they go like “oh, wow” and you can see it’s not impressive, i’m like half  my life here and still sound as if i just got here from Argentina yesterday.

And it’s not that i have a problem, much problem with me being Argentinian, (well, the accent isn’t the porblem i have with it) but the fact that they can always spot me, they always know i’m not from here, they make me an outsider, i’m a perpetual outsider, i will always be one, because this accent isn’t going anywhere.

I used to hate talking because of the strong accent i have, i closed myself, i was even afraid to speak, because some letter i just can’t pronunce, and even today there are some words i know i won’t say, because my RRRR gets all over the place.

I know it’s silly, but it gets to you at some point, even if i can think in both languages, i’m still not part of this place, and they remind me every single time, every laugh they have because of my pronunciation, every time they try to pronunciate the “R” like me.

And it’s not like they all are making fun of me, although some of the people are, some even try to explain to me it’s a compliment, but to be honest, for me it isn’t. Again, remarking the fact that my accent is different, because i’m from a different place, a place i’ll never come back to, a place that once was my home but isn’t anymore, it’s not fun and complimentary, it’s just putting me aside even when they think it’s a “nice thing”. For me it isn’t so stop.

It’s not fun to remember you once were something, you believed in yourself, you thought you had a bright future, and in a moment it was all gone, i’m fluent in more than one language now, yes, but i’m missing many words in both vocabularies. I’m not here, i’m not there, i had to create my own self, because i was nothing, again.

I will never know if i would end up the same way i did if i were to stay in Argentina when growing up, but in this reality, so many things happened, i was broken, i’m broken, and i’m trying, every single day, i try and try again…

But no, i won’t try to make that silly accent, i  feel like an idiot for even trying.

Well, that’s it for now!

see yah!

Reading Neil Gaiman’s books

I started reading Neil Gaiman’s books last year completely by accident. In fact until i read “The Graveyard Book” i was sure he just wrote for little children. Somehow I forgot I watched movies based on his books before and although they looked like it’s for children, they weren’t (Coraline and Stardust).

I’ll say every of his books i read since was an incredible experience. Somehow, the story he presents it’s not the only thing you end up enjoying. The way he writes, the words he uses … it all come together to create amazing worlds. His storytelling is delightful.

And to be honest, not only his writing is great, if you ever have the oportunity, you should also listen to one of his audiobooks, he is the one narrating the stories, and let me tell you, listening to his stories told by him is the next best thing.

I recently purchased his new book “Trigger Warning” also as an audiobook, and  i gotta say, it was such an enjoyable journey, both reading and listening to it. I would much recommend the book, even for people who normally don’t read short stories (me for example, i prefer novels, like,… i haven’t read short stories in years – apart of After The Quake by Haruki Murakami and Trigger Warning). 

For what  understood, some of the stories were already published, some are new, and all of them are great. I personally loved the most “Femenine Endings” which i didn’t read before.

The book, as many others (if not all) of his books have a creepy complement, which makes them best to read (in my opinion) at night time, or when it’s rainning, but that’s just my humble recommendation.

Anyway, i started writing this post a while ago, and i had all these thoughts about making a great recommendation because i think Neil Gaiman is an amazing author, that everyone should at least try once or twice, but i’m lacking the words for it right now.

So, i’ll just leave this here, and if you are looking for a compelling book to read, check out one of his books; you can find a list of all his book in goodreads.

Well, i guess that’s all for now!

Have a great week!!

International Women’s Day

I don’t have much time right now, i just wanted to wish to all the women out there a happy day!

I wish i could have the time to really write about it, but i’m actually late, i have to prepare some stuff before i go to work, but hey, at least i remembered (…)

So, i hope you all have a good day!

 

On a train

I really like trains, they are not only faster than buses, they are also, so much comfortable. Also, they will always bring me home. Almost every place I’ve lived in, since moving from my parents’s house was one trip by train away. This meaning also that getting away was one trip by train away… Trains always make me nostalgic, as they stop in places i wish to forget or come back to… So many places…
Today i left work early and went to the train station, i can’t wait to get home already, because only where my mom is, there’s home for me. I could live anywhere but those places wouldn’t be home and they never will.
I’m five stations away now, half an hour and all the crap i had this week will go away. All the unfinished businesses, the promises i made to myself and didn’t go through with, the fight i had with my sister last Monday(she still isn’t talking to me), all gone. That’s the wonder of going home.
I will be free once again, have all my stuff, hug my family, poke my dog until he looks at me as if he wished i went away. I missed them so much, many times i wonder how am I even doing it.
There’s this pal i work with, she loves her family but she doesn’t like going visit, and I’m like HOW? All i want is to be close to home. Actually i don’t visit much because i always suffer from homesickness after i go back to my apartment, and i find it difficult to get over it after, so next week will be really hard on me. But hey, I get to see the only people i kept in touch with ever.
Also, i will be bringing books with me when I get back to my apartment, instead of keep on buying (yeah right, it will stop me from buying more books…) which means at least I’ll be a little less bored/alone. Or so i hope.
Now, going back to talking about the train, … I’m getting a little worried because it started smelling like a gas station here, and it wasn’t like it before… I hope everything is fine. Gosh, I hope everything is okay with the train.
Two stations away now, and my mom called to tell me she’ll wait for me at the station. She never does it. It’s a nice thing to do. I’m getting excited.
I can’t wait to smell the sea from home. We live two streets from the sea, and seeing the Sun setting on the horizon is one of the most beautiful things ever. The sun is already setting down today, so i guess i won’t make it to see the sun disappearing from the living room window.
I hope tomorrow I’ll make it.
Next stop is home.
I don’t know what I wanted to say today, i was just wandering i guess, i just couldn’t keep on reading, i woke up really early and I’m tired, really tired.
People talking, everywhere, talking but for once the noise isn’t unbearable as it always is.
Today is a fine day,
Today is a good day to go home.

A new beginning

a new month, a new hope?
I’ve been trying to get serious with this blog, it’s March already, i can’t believe it’s March… February was a blur, it was endless, but at the same time, i cannot believe it’s over. It’s March and I still haven’t done anything with my new year’s resolutions, i haven’t taken myself seriously enough.20150301-173241.jpg
So, after thinking to myself i decided that the start of a new month is good enough for starting again anything. So, from today i start with a blank page, all my resolutions from the very beginning … Now i just have to believe in myself a little and everything will be just great.
Wish me luck!