The problem with having problems…

Before we start here, in this post i’m going to talk about mental illness and other difficulties, as many other of my posts it’s based on my encounters with this issue and nothing here is scientifically explained, these are my expriences and some theories i came up with listening to people that clearly have no idea what is it to have a mental illness, as always thanks to my coworkers for making so many cliches come to life for me…

“It’s not that you are crazy, you just need a psychiatrist for a “normal” thing, it’s not like you are getting medicated”
Said by many idiots at my work place

And let’s begin by telling this for the record; i had been in therapy since i was 4, i take meds, i should be on treatment right now, and i believe it saved my life and many others’s.
thank you.
Now, i don’t think anyone knows why but mental illness is never seen as a “normal/regular” illness, you can be physically sick, but god forbid a mental illness. I know many people complain about it, and believe me it will never be enough.
As a person suffering a mental illness i must say, most of the time you won’t guess who suffers from it. It’s not like we look radically different from the rest of the people. Yes, I may lack some social skills and prefer to be alone, but i can talk to people, i can reason and think as normal as the next guy, i ‘m not sure why but at my work place many think that mentally ill means talking to oneself and trying to kill yourself twice a week. (Also having a weird personality, which i do have but that’s all me, not my sickness!)

I really wonder when did having a mental illness became such a taboo topic, most of my family doesn’t know i was hospitalized (twice), my mom prefers not to talk about it, i don’t talk about it with the people i meet normally, i have shared my “illness” with a few selected people by choice and with others just because we were all in the same place … i mean, we all came from hospitalizations, so we kind of understood each other… there were times when every new persons they met was greeted “hey, so which meds do you take?” and it was awesome, because when you are in that kind of environment you don’t have to lie, not about where have you been the last 6 months, not about how are you feeling today, or why won’t you smile to people.

When thinking of it, i lie…and i mean, i lie a lot, because my mood is never good, i’m always kind of down, being such a melancholic person, at some point i realized i stopped enjoying things, i’m not happy, i’m never happy, to be honest i’m not sure if i’d ever felt happiness.. As life passes by as a random numb moment to another, i have to hide myself every single day, because the kind of broken that i am is not accepted by our society.. or should i say; nobody has the time or the kindness to care about the others as we are so full of ourselves, things that aren’t about us aren’t worth of our time…

While at work today i was trying to understand why talking about mental illnness is such a no-no topic, and i found two possible reasons, of course there are many more, i’m sure, but those two are the ones i found while working…

The first is, the fact that mental illnesses are many and very variable, there are ones that affect moods, others the personality, some the way you see the world… and when thinking about it, in the old world they hadn’t have all the knowledge about the brain we have today, and having so many kinds of mental problems, and being some of them acute enough for a person to totally lose it (it still happens specially when not treated properly), many of those breakdowns weren’t actually caused by a mental illness but as a side effect of other diseases…and so, a taboo and the hiding of problematic family members started (i’m guessing here).

The second problem with mental illness is that for some reason even though many see it as a terrible thing, others adopted it for their persona, for some weird reason, many like to declare on the iinternet that they suffer of “____insert mental illness with a cool diagnosis here ____” and yes, i know you don’t know me, so you can’t know if when telling i suffer from it i’m telling the truth, actually most likely you wouldn’t know it if you knew me either, so there you go…

But the important thing about what i just said is that for some, having a mental illness became such a mainstream thing that it lost its importance.

And me suffering or not from isn’t the issue here.

the important thing about what i am saying is, mental illnesses have had a terrible reputation, and are a thing to “feel ashamed of” if you or a family member of yours suffers from one of these, and i can’t help but really ask myself, “why should anyone be ashamed of being ill?” it’s not a thing you can simply erase from your life, it’s there, and at some point you’ll have to share it with someone, so why at work they are so afraid they won’t be able to find a husband if they discover you were treated by a psychiatrist?

Obviously i won’t share with that kind of people ever ever my life experiences, because they won’t understand, even if i told them what my doctor used to tell me “this all will pass one day, you’ll be just fine, only right now you just need some help to keep on going, you need something to push you forward, one day you’ll be able to do it all by yourself”.

and who knew, i’m starting to push myself forward, yeah, i’m still taking my meds, but everyday i wake up from bed and go to work is a won battle, every time i go outside is a won battle…

even if these battles are secret ones, … even if i can talk about them only with myself or here, or with my mom or my sister…

i won another day of my life

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