Before we start here, in this post i’m going to talk about mental illness and other difficulties, as many other of my posts it’s based on my encounters with this issue and nothing here is scientifically explained, these are my expriences and some theories i came up with listening to people that clearly have no idea what is it to have a mental illness, as always thanks to my coworkers for making so many cliches come to life for me…
I’m not big on politics…in fact until a few days ago i couldn’t even understand how could anyone find it interesting (actually I’m still working on finding the appeal) but elections are coming and i have to make up my mind… Lucky me a gal at work is a big fan of a satirical political program, and so for the last week (i think) i’ve been learning about the different parties and their positions on the many topics i do care about.
To be honest the humor on the show is a bit too much sometimes, they cross basic limits, but most of the time they are funny enough for me to actually laugh.
for the record; me liking the show has nothing to do with the crush i have on the presenter. Which is great, because i remember the political programs my grandma used to watch and they were BORING. But she was a lot of fun to look at, she used to talk to the tv and curse a lot.
Even more funny is that as an immigrant i have the right to vote in two different countries, and i just can’t decide which one is more troublesome to vote for… Never in my life i thought i would actually have trouble deciding to whom should i vote.
It could all be very easy,… i could enjoy the sabatical and not vote, but last year i read the book “Vote For Larry” by Janet Tashjian and even though “The Gospel According To Larry” was way more enjoyable and it is largely responsible for the person i became (topic to be discussed another time), it made me understand that even if i’m young, my voice is important, and if enough people decide to make something possible, it will come to pass.
Yes, we are young and we may not see the world as previous generations do, but that’s because we grew up in a “different” world, and one day, we’ll be in their place and we’ll have to make the difficult decisions. It’s not about like we can let it be now and then care when we are the responsible adults, because ’til then the older generations could make so many bad decisions, it could destroy our whole future, if we get one.
So, there i was, completely confused, trying to find myself in the political spectrum, watching a show with three “lefties” and a “righty”
(that i have a crush on) trying to answer all the questions that popped in my mind: what do i believe? what do i want? what parties are there? is it important for me to vote in both countries?
Luckly, my brother is a big fan of politics (he is 15 and he really enjoys it…), so he kind of explained to me about the left parties and the ideas they have and how could those ruin our future… i was kinda skeptic at first but then he showed me pamphlets and stuff that shocked me.
On the other hand there’s this gal at my work place, a strong left winged gal, not only wants me to vote the party she likes, she also has a problem with my crush on the presenter of the show she got me obsessed with.
Now both of them are talking about politics all the time, trying to gain my vote, as if they were the ones running, and i had my own opinion, but they made me rethink all my beliefs.
Politics are a messy thing, and again i’m not sure why would anyone find it interesting, apart of the politicians, … and most of them are there only for the money and the privileges…
As the “modern world” we are we believe our government form is the rightest, but i can’t help but think that maybe we are still missing the best government form, one that no one thought about yet, because the ones we already know are all pretty crappy…
And maybe the government it’s not the problem but the people in control of our countries, maybe we are yet to find the right leader, the one that will make things better for ALL of us, not only for the rich or the lazy…
I have this crazy idea, in which the great leader we are waiting for, is at home, doing nothing, not knowing they’re what we really need at this very moment, not realizing how much they’d done for so many people already… i made it sound pretty religious, but believe me it isn’t, … religion is not my strong suit…
And with these words i’ll leave you now, because i’m very tired today i’worked the morning shift, i had to wake up 4:30am, and yesterday i worked until 11:30pm… so yeah…i’m actually looking for a party that cares about the simple workers…
“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”
Late President of the Bi-Lo Stores
Let’s pretend for a second… Let’s pretend i have an idea of what am i doing, what and how to write it… because if we don’t pretend i won’t get there any time soon…
So, yeah… (let’s be honest) i don’t spend as much time as i would want in front of the computer trying to write entries, but i do go everywhere with my little notebook, trying to find the right words to describe things, words i cannot find even when my mind is so full of them, they wake me up at night because they have the need of being said, or thought or whatever they want from me.
Is it just me? I hadn’t found another person in my surroundings with the same problem, like, at first i was sure it’s normal to wake up 3am to think a little more … but at some point people started to tell me they didn’t and i started asking myself why do i need to wake up in the middle of the night just so words could cross my mind, don’t i have enough time in the day to do it?
I was told once a normal person has about 30,000 thoughts per day, but now i just read it’s about 50,000 which seems more accurate to my situation, but even then, i have the feeling that my mind is in a race and no other person is even near to all the thoughts my brain produces per day. It may sound a bit arrogant (or not, my standard for arrogancy is pretty low) but i can find myself not even having the *time* to finish one thought and my mind is already thinking about another five things and then i have to go back and finsih the thougth, because even though i know the end of it i just can’t continue if my mind didn’t finish its saying…
Once i asked my mother about it, she told me it doesn’t happen to her, but it may happen to other people, i’m yet to find them, though.
Another thing i’m looking for is people who can think about different things simultaniously, it can be any kind of idea, memories, songs, pictures… it couldd be anything really. Also, if you know anyone who can think in colours, i would really like to know about it.
Is it such a weird thing or i’m just looking for these people in the wrong places? Like, there’s so many people in the world and so little patterns to our beings, it must repeat itself somewhere, right? Is someone out there I already know like me but i couldn’t see it in them?
I’m starting to think the problem with my entries is how selfcentred i’m when i start writing them.. As if anyone would even care about what a random anonymous girl would have to say, as if there weren’t already so many people speaking their minds on the internet, but at the same time, if they can do it why shouldn’t I?
I’m guessing watching The vampire diaries instead sleeping when having to wake up really early the next day isn’t very wise. I really wish i could be at home, sleeping… I can’t really thin right now, my mind feels foggy, it’s so tiring… Argh… I want to sleep so badly…
Or at least i wish i could be reading a good book or something this job is so boring!
Last friday, somehow, even though i was not ready to be really productive, i found myself in a psychometric’s exam preparation class… I gotta admit that i don’t remember s**t about the stuff in the exam, but i guess that’s because i took the exam a long while ago. Anyway, it felt really good to start studying and actually doing something apart of working, reading or watching tv shows all day. Wow, when saying it like that it feels more than in my mind, but i guess it isn’t, normally i can think about what i do properly, so i suppose that if i thought it isn’t much, it ISN’T MUCH.
Anyhow, having to study math again feels so weird, and i don’t remember anything which made me feel very uncomfortable and kind of embarrased because i want to major in biochemestry or biotechnology and math is such a big part of science that not remembering anything, i felt unworthy of my dreams…
Obviously the fact that i only started studying for the exam give me a little hope, i can still nail the mathematical part of the exam if i give all i have studying and preparing for it, i have until July to work it out.
English and Spanish don’t scare me as much as Mathematics, mostly because i never had a panic attack while studying those subjests, also because i use them way more in my daily life… The teacher told us we have to read everyday in both languages to help us in reading comprehension, grammar, vocabulary and so… and i was like “oh, no.. having to read or write in both languages as practice everyday”
I don’t know, like… having to study so i can start a proper education is really important to me, mostly because i always wanted to have a degree…it may be the only dream i really had my whole life so it’s kind of nice keep on track, keep believing i can do it, but what if i can’t? i know it’s not like it’s my last change on doing something with my life really, i’m young and i really hope i have many more years ahead of me, but then i can’t help but thing, what if i don’t? what if i don’t have as much time as i thought? and why do i have to creep out myself every single time?
Nevermind, i guess, i’ll have to keep myself from dropping out again, it’s just an exam.. i don’t have to figure out my whole life this very moment… as i said, i’m young, i’m trying my best, i’m doing as much as i can…now i just have to really start believing in myself.
And so, hoping for the best, i start (yet again) studying for this horrible horrible exam…
wish me luck!