yikes or how i really tried my best

So, i tried to avoid this moment for about … 7 months? i think it was sevenish months.. i don’t know anymore… if you are asking “what moment is she even talking about?”  I’m talking about skipping work for no good or rational reason. And i really hadn’t have a good or logical reason for not going to work yesterday, i just waited at the bus station and i knew i couldn’t go to work.

So, yeah … i can’t really remember what was i thinking when i decided to take my things and go back home, but i texted my boss telling her “hey, i won’t be able to get to work today, sorry for the bother!” sent it and went home without really thinking about the repercussions. I’ll pledge of insanity if someone asks, i have my rights for that (i’m obviously really insane).

Even if i don’t care about not getting paid, because obviously i didn’t work and… you get the idea… even if they won’t say anything about me not working yesterday, now i stand can’t help but feeling like not going to work yesterday was nothing but opening pandora’s box. All hell broke loose in my mind, i can’t bring myself to actually go to work, as i start crying just thinking about it.
>>> Hours later
Wait, actually i tried to go to work a few hours ago, i got just in the right time, like; 15:00 – the exact moment the shift starts, everyone was already there, i sat in a terrible spot (because we don’t have a specific place, it’s a no man’s land, everyone for themselves) and i started crying, just because, i couldn’t sit there and start working, about 15:15 i was getting out of there, still crying.
Now, i have say; i don’t really have a bad life, like, i complain a lot, but i’m not quite sure what am i suppose to really expect from life and all looks as if it was working just fine. Yeah, by this moment i guess i have to say that i suffer from depression, and i’ve been suffering from it about 8 years now. I’ve been hospitalized, i take meds and i had therapy a very long time. Also, i shout down when i’m stressed and all i can do is cry and eat and cry and sleep and cry some more. So
Nevermind, the point is, i’ve been avoiding skipping a day at work, because i know the moment i let myself to fall for one day, i can’t pull myself up again, and that’s exactly what happened to me today, for all i care; it’s fine with me to just stay at home and stop working and interacting with people as a whole, i can’t get out of the house because the moment i do i just start feeling really anxious and i don’t know how to cope with that..
I guess… what i wanted to say with all this nonsense is that i feel very lost today and i’m not sure i’ll be able to come back to my neutral self, because i can’t remember how i even created that persona […] i can’t remember the reasons that brought me to where i was and why was i even trying to do something with my life.
I know i did try, i did the best i could, and then one simple day everything just fell apart and i’m tired of trying, life is so stressful, and i’m not prepared to deal with it.

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