For the record: I’m aware a lot of people hate their work place, I also know that a many of them have a more difficult, more stressful job than me, of course i know it, but starngely enough (…) we all born with different amounts of tolerance and strenght, so while some people can endure horrible things happening to them, some of us can’t. This doesn’t make us less or more than others, it just makes us humans.
As I started to say before, many of us have horrible jobs, actually mine isn’t that bad, at least in theory. All I have to do is check if the typists made some error, if they did i have to correct it, if they didn’t I just have to press 1. Pretty simple, it’s done in an office, the chair is comfortable, I can listen to music while doing my job, it’s close to where I live (about 15 minutes by bus), sounds great, and I was really happy when I started working there.
By the time I found out the neighborhood is creppy and dangerous at night I couldn’t find another job. Damn this economy. So I got stucked in a job that while at first is kind of cool (computer and all…) the more you go to work the more you die in the inside. Okay, it may sound kind of dramatic, but believe me, every time I have a night shift (three times a week) I spend about 2 hours daydreaming about bleeding to death in my desk, after purposely hitting my head with the table. Those days I just want to get the hell out of there, but then I remember that now I’m a *grown up* and I’m suppose to pay taxes and stuff. Living is expensive and also overrated.
Compared to other jobs, I guess mine it’s kind of okay, if only I was alone while doing it. How can I put this… I have trouble talking to people, interacting with people, breathing next to people,… I have a problem with people. Not quite sure if it’s agoraphobia or just me being a lousy human being. Maybe it’s the fact that I hate being human. I don’t know.., let’s just say that words are my strength but only when I’m writing them down on paper. I can’t even make my sims interact with each other, for god’s sake.
Do I really have to say more?
Everything about this job should be right, like, having a serious job for the first time in my life, leaving my family’s house for real, living in a nice city, being resposible for myself, having time to rethink my ife as it is, so I don’t know… I’m just really miserable.
For what it’s worth, I’m still trying to make things work before I totally lose it. Well, not everyday because two days ago I just couldn’t hold it any longer and just got the hell out of there, I was willing to do for about the last month but told myself the moment I let myself do it once, I won’t be coming back, ever. And I’m still hoping I’ll make it right next Sunday, when my next shift is going to be.
Good thing I have a whole two days (actually three because yesterday I took the day off) before going back to work, guess it’s worse for my sister whom took 6 weeks off, came back yesterday and it’s already gone for work now, even though it’s only 7:20 am where i live.
Honestly, looking back, maybe it’s my mentals health’s fault. Try as I may, at the end of the day the brain does what it wants, and non of us can actually change much of it.
I’ll keep doing my best, I guess, waking up every day, trying to make it count, … maybe I’ll should just take a break, rethink my life (have i already said that?), read some good books this weekend, watch a movie or two, relax, take my meds, sleep not more than 4 hours every time, drink more water, eat healthier, … find some new year’s resolutions, there’s still time for it, right?
Jeez, I hope it makes sense, because honestly, I have no idea, my mind doesn’t make much sense these days, sorry about that.
Keep on going,