About Books: Reading plans and expectations

 

Last year i discovered this great website called goodreads, where you can upload all the information about your reading life, get recommendations, participate on reading clubs and other stuff…
1388802158-1388802158_goodreads_miscThey also have this “reading challenge” in which you decide how many books you want to read this year. Last year i had a bad patch the first 6 months and i didn’t read much, but since July i gained back my reading habits and even though i started my challenge late i finished it pretty well… as i missed the first semester of the year i decided on challenging myself to read only 25 books (the first semester i read only 4 books…)
I was gladly surprised when at the end of the year i saw that i actually read a total of 55 books.
Now, i’m a book lover and i enjoy reading very much (i also enjoy buying books..) but until last year my readings were mostly rereadings, i may have read Harry Potter about a hundred times by now, but last year all but one book (City of Bones) were all new readings, which i found very refreshing, also my list of “rereads” increased reasonably.
1420062833-1420062833_goodreads_miscThis year, as i started a new reading challenge and also started buying books online (making my purchases way less expensive which also means i can buy more books!!) i decided that even though i have way more time than last year to reasd books, and even when i finished reading my first book of the year in the early afternoon of January the 1st, i wrote as my challenge to read 50 books.
My decision was based in two thoughts;
First, i wasn’t sure if i’ll start studying (again) this October, so I have to be prepared to the idea that i may not have so much time as i expected.
Second, if by the end of June i’m close to the 50 (or surpassed it) i’ll raise it to 100.

Now,  knowing that my workplace doesn’t require of me to take my job home or even think about it when i’m not there, i have a lot of free time after hours. Usually i spend it reading or watching anime or other shows or movies… but then there’s also times when after finishing a book i can’t really concentrate on anything else (as currently happening to me after reading The Raven Boys), i tend to have a lot of thoughts about what i just read, the characters and the ideas, and the writing and the authors and at some point my head is so full of thoughts i feel as writer1if it was to explode.  So, when i created this blog i thought of writing about my reading experiences, the problem is.. i’m not really sure how to put my thoughts in words sometimes or how to make them be rational sentences.  So i ended up not knowing if i should write what  i think is a review or just my raw emotions/thoughts or anything at all.

As i’m not even sure if it really matters, i’ll be trying to write every one of those; ideas, thoughts, emotions.. everything.

 

 

yikes or how i really tried my best

So, i tried to avoid this moment for about … 7 months? i think it was sevenish months.. i don’t know anymore… if you are asking “what moment is she even talking about?”  I’m talking about skipping work for no good or rational reason. And i really hadn’t have a good or logical reason for not going to work yesterday, i just waited at the bus station and i knew i couldn’t go to work.

So, yeah … i can’t really remember what was i thinking when i decided to take my things and go back home, but i texted my boss telling her “hey, i won’t be able to get to work today, sorry for the bother!” sent it and went home without really thinking about the repercussions. I’ll pledge of insanity if someone asks, i have my rights for that (i’m obviously really insane).

Even if i don’t care about not getting paid, because obviously i didn’t work and… you get the idea… even if they won’t say anything about me not working yesterday, now i stand can’t help but feeling like not going to work yesterday was nothing but opening pandora’s box. All hell broke loose in my mind, i can’t bring myself to actually go to work, as i start crying just thinking about it.
>>> Hours later
Wait, actually i tried to go to work a few hours ago, i got just in the right time, like; 15:00 – the exact moment the shift starts, everyone was already there, i sat in a terrible spot (because we don’t have a specific place, it’s a no man’s land, everyone for themselves) and i started crying, just because, i couldn’t sit there and start working, about 15:15 i was getting out of there, still crying.
Now, i have say; i don’t really have a bad life, like, i complain a lot, but i’m not quite sure what am i suppose to really expect from life and all looks as if it was working just fine. Yeah, by this moment i guess i have to say that i suffer from depression, and i’ve been suffering from it about 8 years now. I’ve been hospitalized, i take meds and i had therapy a very long time. Also, i shout down when i’m stressed and all i can do is cry and eat and cry and sleep and cry some more. So
Nevermind, the point is, i’ve been avoiding skipping a day at work, because i know the moment i let myself to fall for one day, i can’t pull myself up again, and that’s exactly what happened to me today, for all i care; it’s fine with me to just stay at home and stop working and interacting with people as a whole, i can’t get out of the house because the moment i do i just start feeling really anxious and i don’t know how to cope with that..
I guess… what i wanted to say with all this nonsense is that i feel very lost today and i’m not sure i’ll be able to come back to my neutral self, because i can’t remember how i even created that persona […] i can’t remember the reasons that brought me to where i was and why was i even trying to do something with my life.
I know i did try, i did the best i could, and then one simple day everything just fell apart and i’m tired of trying, life is so stressful, and i’m not prepared to deal with it.

(sort of.. ) Dreaming of London

About two years ago, my mom, my sister and I travelled together – 8 days/3 countries – we visited England (London), France (Paris) and Germany (Berlin). Honestly, i can’t even remember why did i accept to go with them, maybe because i really wanted to travel to England … it went kind of alright i guess, we fought a lot and we didn’t plan anything (also they didn’t want to visit stonehenge {why wouldn’t they!?} and my sister hates museums, so i got to spend about 1.5 hours in the british museum meaning; i only saw mummies).
So we ended up not really enjoying any of the cities… well, i got to admit that for a person like me even if i didn’t get to really enjoy the Louver, 3 days in Paris was enough for me.
The problem was that I, being a huge fan of so many British things as i am, felt like my time in London was kind of wasted away, so last year i decided i’m travelling by myself to London, 2 weeks and visit every place i wanted, this including going out of London for a few days, seeing another cities, and awesome places.
Now, when i decided i’ll do it and bought the plane ticket i was so excited! I dreamt about being there already, i really couldn’t wait anymore! And so, i started planning everything, nothing to be missed; hotel, train tickets, londonpass, tours, etc. Everything was to be planned. I even bought a personalized notebook for my trip.
Everything felt great …
…and then another year started.
At first, even though the trip was a year away it felt so much more exciting! “August next year, August next year, AUGUST NEXT YEAR!” I kept repeating to myself all day, until one day it was all gone, all the happiness it brought to me, it was all gone. I started thinking about how troublesome will be to actually having to fly – alone – when i’m so scared of planes. I could totally say i wasn’t in my right mind when i made the decision. I was clearly insane when i paid for the ticket, and also when i bought the londonpass, what was i thinking to myself?!
So, now i feel stucked with this trip i’m not quite sure i’m able to do all by myself, yeah, i keep thinking of the option of going on a bookstores spree and buy a lot of books, even if it means the suitcase will be so heavy i won’t be able to move it around, i don’t care. I am as obssesed with books right now as i was with London last year, and that’s a lot… if i may say…

Anyway… the fact is the important purchases were already made, and now i’m here, with this trip in my hands. not really sure what may come my way until August,  just know i have 2 weeks reserved for myself, a good cup of tea, some great museums, some intresting sightseeing places and (i hope this time i’ll be able to enjoy) the change of the guards.

(Last time they cancelled on us because “it was rainning”, i gotta say.. if that was rain for THEM... i was spechless, some policemen came and asked from everyone to leave.., correction, they told to some of the people it was cancelled and asked from us to tell everyone else… it was such a weird day, and i say .. it wasn’t rainning, it rained in the early morning, but by the time it was suppose to start it was a grey but clear day, anyway.. how do you tell 20,000 people that may have come just to watch the change to go home?).

Cold days and lack of productivity…

Apparently it doesn’t matter the precision with which i make plans, because the universe keeps doing whatever it wants. I had this rigorous schedule planned of how many times a week I’ll be posting, and it sounded great, but the same day i was suppose to start working on it my computer decided to update itself and somehow stopped working. I haven’t had the time to send it to repair yet, so I’m currently working with my iPhone mostly. Very lucky to have it, but all my stuff was on that computer, all the stuff I’d been collecting for years I’m guessing it’s going all to waste…
Anyway, i tried to see this in incident in a bright light, telling myself this will give me more time to read and so… But somehow non of the books on my tbr list seems to catch my attention very much, i have to go to the library, I’m such an idiot i should have taken “after dark” by Haruki Murakami but no, I took this incredibly boring book that I’m still reading just because…
Now my tbr list is actually pretty long, and i only have about 10% of it wih me right now, some of the books are at my parents’s house, and many I’m yet to purchase, but how come I don’t find any of the ones i currently have appealing it’s beyond my comprehension. Like, i have 25 books waiting for me just across my room, and i just can’t bring myself to start reading any of them. These days are nothing but a waste of time really. Nothing went as expected, the first week of the year looked so promising and then somehow everything just went to hell, new year’s what? Resolutions? Did I made a list of those? All I’ve been doing is complaining about the cold, because i couldn’t feel my fingers anymore and my nails were kind of bluish, and staring at my book shelves expecting from the books to
magically become appealing.
…wish me luck

About Work Place and Stuff…

For the record: I’m aware a lot of people hate their work place, I also know that a many of them have a more difficult, more stressful job than me, of course i know it, but starngely enough (…) we all born with different amounts of tolerance and strenght, so while some people can endure horrible things happening to them, some of us can’t. This doesn’t make us less or more than others, it just makes us humans.

As I started to say before, many of us have horrible jobs, actually mine isn’t that bad, at least in theory. All I have to do is check if the typists made some error, if they did i have to correct it, if they didn’t I just have to press 1. Pretty simple, it’s done in an office, the chair is comfortable, I can listen to music while doing my job, it’s close to where I live (about 15 minutes by bus), sounds great, and I was really happy when I started working there.
By the time I found out the neighborhood is creppy and dangerous at night I couldn’t find another job. Damn this economy. So I got stucked in a job that while at first is kind of cool (computer and all…) the more you go to work the more you die in the inside. Okay, it may sound kind of dramatic, but believe me, every time I have a night shift (three times a week) I spend about 2 hours daydreaming about bleeding to death in my desk, after purposely hitting my head with the table. Those days I just want to get the hell out of there, but then I remember that now I’m a *grown up* and I’m suppose to pay taxes and stuff. Living is expensive and also overrated.
Compared to other jobs, I guess mine it’s kind of okay, if only I was alone while doing it. How can I put this… I have trouble talking to people, interacting with people, breathing next to people,… I have a problem with people. Not quite sure if it’s agoraphobia or just me being a lousy human being. Maybe it’s the fact that I hate being human. I don’t know.., let’s just say that words are my strength but only when I’m writing them down on paper. I can’t even make my sims interact with each other, for god’s sake.
Do I really have to say more?
Everything about this job should be right, like, having a serious job for the first time in my life, leaving my family’s house for real, living in a nice city, being resposible for myself, having time to rethink my ife as it is, so I don’t know… I’m just really miserable.
For what it’s worth, I’m still trying to make things work before I totally lose it. Well, not everyday because two days ago I just couldn’t hold it any longer and just got the hell out of there, I was willing to do for about the last month but told myself the moment I let myself do it once, I won’t be coming back, ever. And I’m still hoping I’ll make it right next Sunday, when my next shift is going to be.
Good thing I have a whole two days (actually three because yesterday I took the day off) before going back to work, guess it’s worse for my sister whom took 6 weeks off, came back yesterday and it’s already gone for work now, even though it’s only 7:20 am where i live.
Honestly, looking back, maybe it’s my mentals health’s fault. Try as I may, at the end of the day the brain does what it wants, and non of us can actually change much of it.
I’ll keep doing my best, I guess, waking up every day, trying to make it count, … maybe I’ll should just take a break, rethink my life (have i already said that?), read some good books this weekend, watch a movie or two, relax, take my meds, sleep not more than 4 hours every time, drink more water, eat healthier, … find some new year’s resolutions, there’s still time for it, right?
Jeez, I hope it makes sense, because honestly, I have no idea, my mind doesn’t make much sense these days, sorry about that.
Keep on going,
Clems.

of starts and dreams…

i’ve been wanting to start a blog for a while now, and i had this idea of starting it the very first day of the year, to make it kind of “special” but i was visiting my family and i couldn’t bring myself to actually do it, so, here i’m now, starting it on a random moment of boredom, nothing special about it, but nevermind.
so, here i am., hi, to whomever will even read this, i’m Clems and i’ll be *trying* to write, actually the main idea was to review books, series and stuff, i realize there are a lot of blogs like that on the internet already, but my mind is too full of ideas, opinions and words that i really need to put down. mmm, should i say something about myself? .. i’m not quite sure, … let’s just say that, as i already said, my name is Clemence, and i am in my tweenties, i enjoy reading books, especially YA literature, although i’ll be trying to extend my horizons this year, reading a bit more books that are out of my comfort zone, i also like manga and anime (very much), my favorite genre is horror… i work in an office and i have a very dull job, i write stories and daydream alot. my favorite place in the world is London, i would like to live there, at least for an year or so,… i dropped from college about two years ago, because i was stupid enough to choose the wrong path, but clever enough to understand it in time, so i could free myself from a life as a teacher, … what the heck was i thinking? i could never be a teacher! well, at least i know now what i DON’T wanna be, and also, later i understood what do i want to study, hopes are i’ll be starting college (again) this october ( i really hope so.. )
meanwhile, and as i wait for life to unravel itself (there’s not point in running anywhere…), i’m doing my best to cultivate myself reading, writing, listening and learning from wherever.
guess that’s all for now,
have a great week!
Clems